Ok, this is one of many attempts to try and type up what has happened. I’ve got to try and keep the feelings of my family close to me on this one, and try and vent and help myself without hurting anyone else. I feel strange typing this stuff up, but I kind of feel the need to do it. It isn’t like me to be so open about my life, but, I’ve seen it happen many times on blogs, and the writers always seem to come out of it all much better for doing so. I really hope I don’t hurt anybody by blogging this. I may think it through after posting and maybe delete this after a short time. I dunno – I seem to have spent quite a while over this. We’ll see. But someone please say if they think I’m stepping over the line with this post.
Essentially, my mum phoned on Thursday last week to say her partner of about 13 years had died of lung cancer (not from smoking – his job involved working with quite toxic chemicals and other irritants to the lung, and he came from an era which didn’t recommend masks and that kind of thing). Mum lives on the coast, and was over here for Christmas and New Year. He died on Christmas Eve, and his sons from a previous relationship had tried to contact her, but hadn’t managed to get through. They’d used different numbers, none of which she knew, so she didn’t make the connection. She isn’t a direct relative, so the hospital didn’t contact her (and don’t give information freely), and she only found out the beginning of last week, when she phoned to try and find out if he was there when she hadn’t heard from him. Because she found out so late, she missed the funeral.
The whole things sucks. I feel so much anger, along with the grief (I didn’t know him well, but I’m obviously upset for my mum, and it is natural to feel this way after he’d been around so long) that his family didn’t make more of an effort, but then we don’t know what they did. We don’t know what happened, and we may never know. We’ll have our own little ceremony for him, in our own way, from what he said he wanted.
And for the sake of knitting, I haven’t done much, but the first jaywalker is nearly done. They might end up being symbolic now though. I may have to gift them, but that might help me too – something good to come out of this dark time, that makes me realise there are other people out there. Some charity knitting would be good too (I have some Oxfam patterns made by Rowan, and apparently Women’s Weekly has some extra ones for different charities in the new one out tomorrow), to help me purge myself a bit, while helping out others.
Ugh. I hope I’ve not done wrong by posting this – it feels strange being so personal. But even where I work, all you have to do is think something and everyone knows what you thought. I probably will delete this sometime though.

5 thoughts on “Stuff”

  1. Don’t think you’ve gone over any lines there – remarkably restrained in the circumstances. Hope it helped you to work through it, incredibly painful for your mum 🙁
    There are indeed other ppl out here, reading, and thinking of you.

  2. I hope blogging helped you get things a big more straight in your head. I wish you and your mum all the best in this horrible time. We are thinking about you.

  3. byrony, i’m so sorry to hear about your loss. the timing situation is just so sad. as a person who pushes all sorts of personal information out there on her blog, i’m certainly not going to say you’ve stepped over any lines. please give my best to your mother and save some for yourself.

  4. Byrony, I am so sorry that you and your mom have to go through such a sad situation. *hugs*
    I think that your post is very tempered and diplomatic. I can’t imagine that you have/could offend anyone with it.
    Please know that you are in my thoughts & if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

  5. Bryony — Sending you a BIG HUG from China.
    You certainly DIDN’T go over any lines. Your post is very diplomatic. You have a right to be upset and hurt. No one ever likes to see a loved one hurt so.
    Thinking of you during this painful time.

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